I've always had a great appreciation for jazz. I think it's the greatest thing that ever happened to mankind. The beginning of music. The keynote in the history of music. It really hit the Fsharp on my fretboard!

I put in Robbie Williams' Live at the Albert DVD to watch after dinner. It just rekindled my interest in jazz and swing music. I love the little solos of the trumpet or the tenor sax, and the quick beats of the drum kit. Everything fits in so nicely when you listen to great jazz. It feels like you've been brought into the time when the music was originally written. It's beautiful.

I really need to catch up with my sleep. I haven't been sleeping well and in addition to that, I've been quite down with many things. Anne Marie, one of the boarding mistresses told me that I really looked run-down. She could tell from the look on my face. I love Anne Marie. She's so sweet and is forever willing to give hugs.

Tonight, I'll sleep early. The internet is getting really boring. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. I can't download music or videos. I can't play online games. I can't use the normal MSNim. I can't do many things on the internet here, with all the firewalls around the good stuff. Since there's nothing to do, I'll continue reading Mao's Last Dancer and go to sleep. I found that instead of counting from 1000 down or trying the best to stay awake than go to sleep, deep breathing actually works! I did that last night, and I was asleep in moments.

Only a few days left till I fly home. I'm not too excited about it. It really feels like it's nothing much. I'm just flying back home, once again for a long break. It's not like I don't miss home. It's because I find it's just part of the routine. It's not something new. It's something old and typical and done before.

I'm off now. It's raining heavily and all I want to do is be in my bed with Sam.

Cheers.

I feel so lifeless, and cold, and alone and abandoned. I know I'm the one responsible for these feelings and emotions. Emotions. I hate that word.

I couldn't sleep last night. It took me hours to shut my eyes without force. It was such an uncomfortable night. I figured it was too cold, so I placed a warm blanket underneath my doona and jumped in. I still couldn't fall asleep. I thought, maybe if I try to stay awake, I'll fall asleep. It didn't work. So I just tossed and turned around in my bed till I eventually fell asleep.

We had a Leadership Workshop today, for all the Year 10s in the school. It was more fun than I had imagined before. We played games and little activities that peer support leaders would do for the Year 7s next year in Term 1. For reasons I can't quite explain, I felt like being a peer support leader or a leader of some sort. I thought, here's a chance! I doubted myself. I told myself that I wouldn't get it. I tell that to myself so I don't feel bad if I don't get the position.

Sydney weather's been extremely strange lately! This morning, it had been pouring cats and dogs - this afternoon, it probably hit the high 20s (degrees in Celsius)! I'm hating this dramatic change in temperature. It's not normal. It's supposed to be summer in Sydney, really soon, and this is the kind of weather we have. Is it not supposed to be burnburnburn in the sunsunsun? Australia is so weird.

I've lost all inspirations. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. Well, not for a while. Don't you ever get that feeling? You just want to run away from all your problems and conflicting emotions. I really want to, and I've been considering it like a pathetic Nigel since a long while back.

Excuse me.
I'm going to try and wash away my blues.

Cheers.
PS. Oh maybe that's it. It's just a Monday, and we all know we should be singing the Monday Blues.

Ever since Jude's been away and I am companionless (of course, I have Nommy and Kwan around), I've been putting myself in a positive attitude. I realised that I'm more mature than I think I am. So, I've been doing my Maths work everynight, reading a book, not falling asleep in class and sleeping earlier. I feel so much older.

I've been thinking about what I want to do after Year 12 and the HSC (Higher School Certificate Exam). After the exams, I would be free for more than 2 months. Free to do anything. I want to do something productive. I was thinking of travelling, maybe with mum for the fun - I'd be able to go into bars with her to listen to live music... and drink :D . I was also thinking of going on a holiday with my friends. I'd like to go to the Year 12 formal, so I figured it'd be best to stick around in Australia before then, instead of heading back to KL and coming back.

There are just so many things I want to do right now. I want to travel and listen to live music at bars and drive and ... oh, I could really go on with a longlong list!

Unfortunately, I have to wait. I need to slow myself down. Have as much fun as I can while I have the chance, before I reach Year 12 and then, Uni.

I've started reading a book called Mao's Last Dancer, and it's very very interesting. It's so inspiring. It's about this boy and his courage and determination in becoming something so big from something so small. Set in a Chinese background in post-WW2 period, the book covers issues such as extreme poverty in China, the way people lived (in poverty) and the reign of communism.

I want to do something great for a change. I've done my part during my time at AISM (my previous school), and now I feel like doing the very same at St Caths. I want to make my school years here worth something much more than just a few years at 'some' school. I want to be known for something good, and not just 'some' student from overseas. I want to leave school, after my final years, feeling like I've truly accomplished something much more than an average student.

i'll do what it takes
till i touch the sky

Cheers.
PS. It's not like Jude's absence has made me happier. Never. I'm dreadfully sad about it. I've just adopted a positive outlook on everything. I've never missed anyone as much as I do for Jude, and this has opened up a new door for me.

This feeling is amazing :)



* EDIT: OASIS IS IN TOWN (AUSTRALIA). THEY'RE PERFORMING AT SYDNEY ON THE 28th OF NOV, MONDAY. FSCK WHY DID I NOT KNOW? AND OMGWTF I WISH I COULD GOO :(((((((((

& turned on the lights; 20:50

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Sorrysorrysorry for not updating Raeville. I recently returned from Music Camp, which ran from Sunday to Tuesday. Nommy and I went, and boy did we have some fun.


Music Camp was all right, I suppose. Nom reckoned it was way better than school, as she said it was soooo boring and completely pointless. I had to go for Jazz Band practice for the upcoming Family Evening on the 2nd of December. Most of the time I found myself sitting on my bed listening to podcasts and fiddling with my guitar.


I fiddled with my guitar so much to the point where I just couldn't hold onto a simple C chord properly. My fingers were literally suffering. The skin on the tips of my fingers were peeling off and my left hand kept going into locks. It really hurt, but I kept playing. I think music camp has really opened up my musical interest into a broader perspective. I was thinking about music and my interests that lie in the field, and I realised that I really enjoyed playing music. I really did. I'm even considering starting the alto saxaphone again.

Jude had to leave us on Tuesday morning, for reasons I will not mention because I know how much it means to her and I just don't want to fsck it up. So I won't see her till next year. I miss her so much. Too much. I just cried when I came back from camp and saw her room all packed up and empty. I sneaked a blog entry on Jude's blog. Heads up for "Dear Jude".

I have learnt to accept people for who they are, and to find good in them. When Jude cut her hair, I felt quite unhappy. Mainly because she didn't look good in a guy's haircut. But then I realised, I shouldn't look at negative points. I should look at good points! And so, I thought, 'If she looks like that, then I wouldn't look twice as ridiculous wearing guy clothes.' Obviously, to match her haircut she would have to wear guys clothes, right?

I might have been too hooked on that Follow Your Heart book that Jude borrowed/lent to me.

I think this entry has been too chin chai bo cha, so I'm going to stop now and continue reading my book.

Cheers.

I was at Coles supermarket yesterday afternoon, and I was getting toothpaste from the shelf. I walked out the trolley just behind mum, and I dumped the toothpaste into the trolley. I threw it in, and then I looked at the trolley carefully. There, laid a large container of Smooth Kraft Peanut butter. I stood there, thinking 'Wait a second, didn't I pull a blue bottle out...' I stood there for quite some time, thinking thinking thinking. Then this lady came up to me and said, 'That's my cart :) ...' My vision came back and I knew I was definately looking at the wrong trolley. I apologised and left. Whoops.

There's something wrong with my body. It may be that I've shifted into a lazy-mode from doing absolutely nothing during the past week. I've been too tired to do anything. And even if I just go out for a walk, or a quick trip to the market - my fuel tank goes dry instantly. It takes no effort for me. I can barely stand sometimes.

Today, I was with mum shopping at David Jones (a huge retail store in Australia, like [for you guys from KL] Isetan or Metrojaya) for... gee, I can't remember - stuff? Well, yes we were shopping for stuff, and while mum was browsing through the items, I was standing there feeling very faint. My feet started to hurt bad, to the point where they couldn't hold me up any longer. My eyelids were half open. My body felt like shutting down on the spot. The carpeted floor looked like such a comfortable place.

My face is so screwed up. Jude said I'm starting to look like Lisa Li. She's this little guy girl in Year 7 who doesn't wash her hair or bathe properly or with soap, and she's got this nasty smell mouth problem, where it just goes all red around her lips. However, my face is a little different. Ever since I've been washing my face with Cetaphil and treating my fsck acne, my face has dried up like Australia's desert today. It makes me look like some junkie, who hasn't shaved in what looks like 2 years. It's really bad. I'm starting to feel a little embarassed to leave the house now.

I need to go back to the gym and tennis training. If I don't, I think I'm going to gain that 2kg back reaaaaal quick. I'm thankful that I'll be doing stuff again from this coming Saturday onwards. On Sunday, Nommy and I are going to Music Camp. Besides all the intense concurrent rehearsing, hopefully it will all be fun.

You know, sometimes I don't even think about home back in Malaysia. Sometimes I would think that my current status in Australia is home. I would be sitting on the couch, just bumming out, thinking is this home? Or... is it not? I love to confuse myself. I don't do it on purpose though. Not even accidentally. I just seem to forget. I forget about home and going home. I don't even think about it. I can last so much longer here without suffering from homesick syndrome, and I think this is because there's nothing much for me back home. There's the new Mont Kiara Damai apartment unit, which is lovely and beautiful and all, but it's just the same old thing. There're my friends - old pals from AISM. Something tells me I hardly get to meet up with them, and everytime we do, it's just same old thing. To me, sometimes, home just isn't such a big deal.
You may shoot me, for saying such a thing.

I was thinking about my dad. Why is he such a selfish bastard? He recently gave me a top-up for my bank account in Australia. He gave me half of what he usually gives. Before he sent the money, he asked me what I had been spending my money on. I mentioned Year 10 Formal, groceries and miscellaneous items. I brought up the idea of him paying for my gym fees, instead of mum. He told me, 'If you gym continues after this term, I will cut all of your allowance off.' I rushed the phonecall with 'Fine fine, don't give me money then. I'm fine. I'll be fine. GOOD BYE.'

I've got the money now. I can spend again. I don't have to live in some sort of a famine anymore. I can buy those chucks that I've been thinking about, the face wash set from Dermalogica (sp?), phone credit, Riana's birthday present. But I feel so threatened into not using the money. I'm too afraid to spend it on anything. Even if it was important. He never buys Ri and me anything when we're back home in KL, anyway. He hardly does! So why should this be such a problem? It'll be the same bloody thing, if you ask me.

I'm too afraid to ask for anything from mum, too. I keep thinking she's too low on money, so I reduce all that hassle for her. I'm just too afraid to ask. I think I won't get any X'mas presents that I want this time around. I don't even think I want anything from them.

i swear i'll never give in, i refuse

Cheers.
PS. Have you ever been given a present by surprise? Like, you really really wanted and wished for it, yet somehow you knew you weren't going to get it - and you got it in the end? I wish I could feel that kind of surprise and happiness. It must be really nice.

I most probably will not be back at the boarding house and school till next week. I've still got spots, but all of them have died and are not flaking off, and I don't think there's much point in going back anyway. From Wednesday to Friday, all the Year 10s will be doing Community Service, which I should be doing, but some ignorant bitch thought one week of pox therapy would do it and came back to the BH to spread the love. Spread the love.

I'm really disappointed that I can't do anything now. I'm not supposed to go out. I'm not supposed to meet anyone because they're all too afraid they'll get the fucking pox. I can't go back to school yet, incase I spread the remainder of this disease. I can't go for community service, tennis training, gym training and band practice. I feel like some kind of sick patient.

I'm not sick, you see. I'm not! I'm better than you think I might be. I'm more than better. However, I've been sitting here, pigging out on movies, couches and internet, waiting for my pox to dry out. And quite honestly, I'm sick of this sickly attitude. I really wish I could go back to the gym. I feel like some obese pig now. Just sitting here. Practically doing nothing.

I sat down watching the first season of Lost yesterday. I didn't finish it, but I probably will today, seeing that I won't be going out because I've got the fucking pox. Right? Well. It's a great series. Lost. I'm enjoying it. It's interesting, frightening and mind-eboogling. Whatever that meant. It's pretty damn sad too, what with all the people's past lives.

By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RIANA! My sister turned 14-years-old yesterday, on the (hey what do you know!) 14th of November. We went out for dinner (yes, I actually went out) at an Italian restaurant. We had lovely profiterolls (spelling?) to top the celebration off. It was probably the only time I sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY this term, semester and probably this year.

My dear friends,
do me a favour? Go out
to St Catherine's School Waverley Australia
and hunt this person down:
RUBY RANDALL.

I'm counting on all of you :)
Cheers.
PS. She's the sodding face who gave me chicken pox. You see, it was her first time getting chicken pox, and she only left for one week, which in my medical opinion, is too short for recuberation! She should've been away for at least two weeks. She deserves to dieeeeee!!

I've been out of boarding house isolation since last Thursday morning, and things couldn't be better. My chicken pox issue is slowly dying away. The spots are decreasing in size and they're losing their itch. I've been advised not to leave the apartment unit, but I feel that it's all right. I've been keeping myself occupied with Sims 2 - meeting the demands of my precious little darlings. :)

I've been looking through some University courses, thinking about what I should consider when that time comes around. I've always had Psychology in mind. However, I am always believing that I won't make the required UAI (University Admission Index) for my HSC (Higher Sch Certificate). Journalism is another that I've considered. I like writing. I enjoy it very much, quite frankly. But, can I survive the heavy pressure of a journalist's life? I don't cope with stress very well, judging from my Semester 2 exams. I've been thinking of Photography since I was 14. I love photography, very very much. I enjoy taking photographs of anything and everything. I've just got this huge interest in art through the lens. Heck, some days, my hands and eyes would be screaming for a camera to use. I see artistic opportunities everywhere I go, and this I swear is true.

I'm now in that stage of adolescence, a growing young adult making important choices that will affect the future. All these decisions. All these choices. It's difficult to cope with. I really feel as if I don't have enough time to make them.

Life couldn't me more difficult at this stage.

Cheers.

Have you ever been told to go back to your hole, in a very frank manner? It's quite heartbreaking, and it makes me very alone, just to hear more than one person telling me that.

Yet they still find it perfectly fine to ask me how I'm feeling and whether I'm OK. "Yes, I am fine." "Better than ever." "Of course I feel fine." It's true. I am feeling fine. My physical status is fine. My mental, though, is a different story.

I've never been put in isolation before. According to The Dictionary, isolation is the state of seperation between persons or a group. I have been seperated from friends or family because it was necessary, like for school or for holidays. But never, have I ever been seperated from the community of a group of people who I see and live with more than I see my parents in a year.


Since last night, I've been put into this rather spacious (compared to my room in the garden area) room, secluded from the rest of the boarding house. I've made the bed. There's a radio. I've brought my guitar. And my camera. And my iPod. And (most importantly) my Frank. I've basically got most of the things that will help make my stay a little more pleasant. There's a bathroom here, which is a little daggy but I can live with it. The food they bring to me, and the way they bring it to me - it's like the last meal I will ever have. A window above my head - to give me the fresh air I need. It can get very stuffy in this room. The window has bars. Jail like bars, that give me the feeling of being trapped in prison for something I hadn't done.


I am slowly dying of fatigue. Just sitting here. Lying here. Hours on end. I weep a little everytime I see someone who has come to visit me. I weep even more when they tell me it's heartbreaking to see my face - a face of loneliness.

I feel as if I haven't spoken to anyone for years. Actually, it feels as if I haven't spoken at all for years. Not even to myself. Or Sam, my bear. My mouth is getting all weird and sour-ish from this silence. It's weird. I've been craving chewing gum since this morning. I haven't got any at all, yet. My mouth needs something to do. I've got to occupy it. *puts plastic spoon into mouth* ... Better :)


However, I'm still very thankful that my mum had moved her flight from KL to Sydney, back one day short, to save me from this misery. Tomorrow morning, I will be able to literally breathe fresh air. Oh what a sweet fantasy that is to me, right now.

death would be an awfully big adventure
Cheers.

I have the pox, children. :(
And I'm very displeased with it.

It's my third time getting chicken pox. I don't actually remember when I last had it, but I do remember itch, itch and spots. It is horrible sight. However, this infection is only a very minor one - right now. It might become worse if I keep bursting the bubbles. I should really stop /hmm

Upon hearing this from the boarding house nurse and doctor, Mrs Wilson, the head of boarding told me that I needed to leave the boarding house as soon as possible. It was like, being rejected out of the house because I am too dangerous to be living among other innocent people. Well, I thought, did the person who spread it to me thought about that? (I know who gave me the pox, and I am planning her death with clear precision)

Since all my guardians are hopeless unavailable, I am forced to live in a isolated quarter of the boarding house. It's sort of inside the house. I have to stay in here for two nights, then I'm off back to our flat with mum (who is flying out of Kuala Lumpur tomorrow night, arriving on Thursday morning). This little room is quite cosy, now that I have a fan, my guitar and super single bed! I also have a little window, with a fantastic, scenic view of the lovely outdoors brick wall.

I'm so alone right now. I really think I might die in this room. It's so quiet. Too quiet. Where's the noise coming from Jude's room? Where's the noisy Nom walking to my room? Where's the snoring? Where's everyone gone? Just before everyone started to go into their rooms, Mrs Wilson came in and gave me three mini chocolate bars. How sweet of her :) At least I know I'm not forgotten.

Jude; This girl. She wrote me a whole paragraph on me and my present tragedy. Oh how I love her so much. Platonically, of course :) I MISS YOU BRUDDA/HUBBY/'Better Half'
Nomnom; She wants to be where the people are, She wants to see, wants to see 'em dancing, Walking around in those... What do you call 'em? Oh! Feet!
AISM mates; Hope you kids had fun during the School Cert exam. How was the last question for Geography? Did it murder or what?
Everyone else; Hi :) I have chicken pox :(

singing for the lonely

Cheers.

PS. Maths was challenging. History was OK. Geography can kiss my sodding ass.
PSS. I mean, WTF is decision-making for a geographical issue?? I bullshitted so much (which was very little - 3 short paragraphs) to the point where your brain just couldn't bullshit anymore. Know how that feels?

English and Science down.

Tomorrow -
Maths
Australian Hist. & Geog

Overall today -
Easier than I had thought! I finished 15 minutes before both exams ended.

feel i'm getting old
before my time

Cheers.
PS. Let's all hope that the same easy will be the level of difficulty set for the Maths and Hist/Geo paper. Hope.

Did you study this weekend Rae?
Course I did! What kind of person do you take me for?!

Yah. Right. Suuuuuure, I studied ;D . I sense you all knew it. I never studied - MUCH. I have an English Literacy exam tomorrow at 9.20am, and... that's all right. I have Science later tomorrow. THAT'S WORSE.

I think I'll manage to pull a Band 4 for both of the subjects. (The highest rank is Band 6, while Band 1 is the lowest). Maybe Band 4 for everything. I wouldn't mind such a rank. I know I didn't work very hard, and I know I won't do so well (judging from the results I received for the trials). Last year, I wanted to get a Band 6 for some subjects. Now, I set my goals lower because I don't want to upset myself when I don't achieve it. Catch my drift? Simple concept :)

Exorcism of Emily Rose wasn't very very good. It wasn't very VERY frightening either. However, the thought of it was very chilling. Considering that it was based on a true story. It was very much based on courtroom scenes, where the case was Faith vs. Science. Interesting, but I was easily falling asleep.

Today, Jude and I headed to the gym and did some exercise. Later, Jude had to go back to get her haircut, so Pear and I stayed at her apartment to study. Pear fell asleep, while I just tried to study. I'm hopeless! I really need to get rid of this lazy attitude before next year, or I will not survive.

On Monday, I have English Literacy up first, and Science to top off the day. Tuesday, I have Maths first, and the finale of the titans, Australian History & Geography. And then, on Wednesday, I have a Computing Skills exam. Now that should be fun. :)

Today, I'm going out to Bondi Junction today to watch The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Apparently, it's incredibly frightening. I could do with some horror to wake me up anyway.

And if you were just wondering, I think it's just fine to have fun just before the exams. It's not like I won't study to balance it out. I will. Promise :x

Mum's coming down in a few days time. I seriously can't wait. My sister's birthday is also approaching, and I've got to think of something to get for her. She's been so nice to me lately. Probably not just as a joke, but for the purpose of family.

I don't have anything to blog about now. Just a basic update. For now :)

send someone to love me
i need to rest in arms

Cheers.

It might just be my PMS, but thoughts have been skipping through my mind every so often.

I have so much I want to express on my blog, but I'm afraid it will affect relationships. My relationships. With other people. I'm sure, if you're a blogger, this same principle applies to you too. However, I have every right to blog about anything and I quote Jude/Muthusamy, "I use my blog as a venting outlet."

Here goes.

You know, when people call me loser or pathetic idiot or big boobs, it's not like it's not true. And it's not like, I don't know or see their point. It's like, saying the most obvious. Like, a man walking down a road and he sees a dog. The man points out to the dog and shouts, "Oh my God! You dog!" Hi? It is le obvious.

If it's so obvious, why say it?

Do you ever find it annoying or displeasing when you help a friend in need, and they don't help you back the same way? Or, let's be a little more specific. Do you ever find it annoying or displeasing when you treat someone with respect and compassion, but that person doesn't do the same for you? I guess, there's nothing really wrong with that. But I believe that it's only right to do so. If someone treats you so nicely and willingly because they care, shouldn't you pay it forward or do the same in return?

Doesn't one good deed deserve another? Or is that just a false proverb, made up by some drunk man who was helped on the streets, by a rich young man.

Sometimes I really think I don't deserve what I have. I don't deserve to be studying overseas. My grades have dropped dramatically, and my dad is always using 'school' as an excuse to give me any money for miscellaneous items. I don't deserve my grandparents, who love me so much without condition, yet I don't communicate the same love towards them. I don't deserve my friends and their company. The don't deserve my friends. The yetpet. They're just such great people, yet I'm always the one being pissy about things (even after my period >_>); I'm always the one who accidentally hurts someone; I'm always the one nagging and complaining (only because I'm used to right and not wrong); I'm the different one, who doesn't really fit in. And I can't change. I can't change just like that. I'm going to be like this, and that's that.

Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve life. Did I deserve to be on Earth? Living and breathing on this planet. In this world. I may sound incredibly emotional, but it's true. I really do wonder these things. Sometimes I imagine myself falling off an incredibly high-storey building, and without a block in my way. Falling, falling. There's no stop there. Just falling. And before I hit the ground, all my wonders, questions and thoughts are answered.

But on a smaller scale, I like to think of the fall as the travel from the top of my bed to the floor. It's just faster and quicker.

I'm such a sadistic person. All I want to do is think about killing and murder and death and pain. No, I am not a sado masochistic person. Not at all! I promise :)

Ah, maybe all of this, really is due to my period. Damn it, if it is, I want my period to come and go. If you want to criticize me, don't blame it on my period. It really could be the thoughts that have been running through my mind during the past few days.

I really should get my shower and get back to studying. School Cert in 4 days.

it's just another phase that i'll go through

Cheers.

Stole this from Nurie's blog livejournal. I've almost had everything listed. I was just bored. Felt like... updating... too... Eheh.

**********

The BBC asked people to vote for the top 50 things everyone should try a bite of in their lifetime. Bold the ones you've tried.

The top 50
1. Fresh fish
2. Lobster
3. Steak
4. Thai food <3
5. Chinese food
6. Ice cream
7. Pizza
8. Crab
9. Curry
10. Prawns
11. Moreton Bay Bugs
12. Clam chowder
13. Barbecues
14. Pancakes
15. Pasta
16. Mussels
17. Cheesecake
18. Lamb
19. Cream tea
20. Alligator
21. Oysters
22. Kangaroo [That's sick]
23. Chocolate <333
24. Sandwiches [boarding house sandwiches can go to hell]
25. Greek food
26. Burgers
27. Mexican food [we have this once a fortnight >_>]
28. Squid
29. American diner breakfast [whaaa?]
30. Salmon
31. Venison
32. Guinea pig [that's fucking gross]
33. Shark
34. Sushi
35. Paella
36. Barramundi
37. Reindeer [noooo don't eat them!]
38. Kebab
39. Scallops
40. Australian meat pie [haha they're so processed!]
41. Mango
42. Durian fruit :PPP
43. Octopus
44. Ribs
45. Roast beef
46. Tapas
47. Jerk chicken/pork
48. Haggis [i desperately want to try this.]
49. Caviar
50. Cornish Pastry

& turned on the lights; 20:13

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Year 10 Formal was pretty much, in only one word: shit. I didn't like it at all. It was good social fun, but I thought it was pretty bad. The food wasn't promising and the music wasn't very good. Nevertheless, our yetpet gang was there and that was what made it happening.

I truly felt like a black sheep in the field. I was the only one wearing a suit outfit. Everyone else was wearing a dress. I also could have been the only female not wearing make-up. I also could have been the only female not shuffling my feet on the dance floor. When Jude, her parter, Jenny, Pear and Bub went on the dance floor, I remained at the table, watching from afar. Why, I did not dance, was because I don't know how to dance. Even if it's just 'shuffling' your feet or 'swaying' your body to the beats, I just didn't want to do it. I really didn't mind sitting on my own :) I'm used to being a Nigel.

After the formal, we went back to Pear's place to get changed, then we headed into the city for karaoke. I thought I'd tag along. Karaoke is much better than dancing.

I don't particularly want to get into details, so I'll just put them out in quick dot points. Hee. I'm beginning to get lazy.

• We sang too many Thai songs.
• Nom/Pear was very very high, and started jumping on the couches and table.
• Jude was a little tipsy, and kept sitting on me and jumping around and doing many stupid things.
• Kwan/Jenny was asleep. On my lap.
• We left the Karaoke World at 3am.
  
• Nom's drunk Thai bi/les friends appeared outside. They startled the guards nearby.
• Walking on the city streets at 3 in the morning is fucking scary.
• I learnt that daylight saving time had begun at what was then, 5pm instead of 4.

Later that morning: I woke up. Nom woke up. Jude woke up. And we all pigged out on the chocolate that Jude's date bought for her. That day was like a reflection day. Or what Jude and Nom call it, loser day.

The weekend overall was very different. I got my facial, which fuckinghellmofo hurt, however the results were as promised (a cleaner face!). I also had my hair done, again for only 40 dollars this time. It was looking funky-ass. I paid about 30 dollars worth of taxi fares (my share, of course) as well, over the duration of last weekend. I had spent too much.

**********

Now I'm back in the boarding house. Studying for the School Certificate exam next Monday and Tuesday. Everything is feeling just fine.

GOOD NEWS! My mum is coming down to Sydney at the end of next week! How exciting! She has finally found a tenant to rent out our house on Setia Bakti. Plus, she has found a very lucky owner for our dog Duchoy. She's coming down for Riana's birthday on the 14th of November.

The weather is getting much too warm for the likes of mine, nowadays. I hate it. It's like Malaysian weather. The air is humid most of the time. The nights are never as cool as before. It rains. ALOT. The feeling is disgusting.

The flies. The flies are incredibly annoying. They come right up to your face and fuck your mind up. Literally, screw up your mind. They disturb you till you're at over drive. You first begin to talk to them. Then shout. Then swear. When you realise that they aren't listening, you start to use sign language, because, maybe by chance, they understand the way our hands move. But no. It doesn't work. They remain fucking annoying. You've tried everything already. You don't have insect repellent, or insect exterminating spray. You begin to run for your life, and you are driven to the brink of death. You die.

Surely, from what I had just typed, you would realise how flies will drive us to insanity, then eventually to suicide. And you would've also realised that flies are the most annoying organisms to even breath on the surface of this planet. They should all go and die.

Mrs Wilson, the boarding house head mistress, wasn't at the table beside Anne-Marie this afternoon after school. I wondered, where had she went? She was usually there. Sitting by Anne-Marie with her spectacles on, writing letters, sealing envelopes, listening to Carlie nag - but she wasn't there doing any of these things. She wasn't even present. Later, after nagging Jude into studying and bouncing around with my guitar strapped around my shoulder, Jude and I decided to walk up to Charing Cross to do something. We honestly didn't have a purpose. When Jude and I reached the front door of the boarding house, just before we left, Anne-Marie explained to us why Mrs Wilson was not present.

Sophie, her dog, had passed away.

It broke my heart. I don't know the dog that well, and I never really, err... bonded? with her very much. But Sophie was Sophie the fat, black Cocker Spaniel, who looked like Mr Wilson and walked with him everyday. She was like, a big part of the boarding house community. It was an incredible loss. I cried on my way up the road. Jude looked pretty sad too. This obviously wasn't a very happy day. The weather made it extra bleak.

Thinking about the whole death thing, I feel so afraid to lose someone or something so close to me. If I lost either Jude, Nom or Jenny, I think I would stay in my room and not continue to live for a few days. Maybe even more than just a few days. I'd breakdown. They're all so close to me. We've been through this year together, and for each other.

Then I thought about my dogs back home. Pi will soon be a victim of life's inevitable fate. I know it. I understand it. It's like a trading concept. I hate it. I will soon have to face it. The mourning and the grieving and the crying. And my grandparents. How am I going to face that? My granddad is already 80-years-old and he's a diabetic. He had a minor heart attack about a month ago, which really got me worried. What will become of him in 6 months time? I really hate to think about it.

I remembered what Anne-Marie told me. You never know when the last time you will see your loved ones, so always tell them that you love them. I know, I really haven't been treating my grandparents with all the love in the world. I really should. It's hard. When your grandparents are always fighting with your mother, and when they always think that you're still a little 10-year-old. It's annoying. I must appreciate them for who they are.

I wonder how you, my readers, would react if I died. How? Tell me. Post a comment. If I died in an accident, how would you react to that? If I was in an accident, and received severe injuries, and a few days later, I die. What would you say and think? Would you care, or just say good-bye? Usually, people just say "OF COURSE I'D MOURN. ARE YOU CRAZY. I KNEW YOU" when it's not always true. Tell me, anyway. I really want to know.

Before I sign off, I have a few shouts I want to make :)
Jude; Brudder, thanks for being around for me. Regardless of your vicious attitude towards me. I'll be there for you, kay? PS. Can't wait for our periods to end. Fuck.
Nom; You reading this? Thanks for letting me stay at your place during the formal weekend. I really appreciate it darls. :) Don't cry ok? Remember. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER LA.
Dav; Older men roxorz our soxorz. ;) GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS.
Nurie; Your LJournal never fails to entertain. I miss you :( Hope you enjoy Napoleon Dynamite!

That should be all now. For now.

Cheers.
PS. Here are some pictures for your bloody viewing pleasure.
PPS. I didn't get into the Music 1 elective for Year 11/12. FUG.

(From left) Kwan/Jenny & Jude

(From left) Nomnom, Bub, Jude & Kwan/Jenny

(From left) Jude & I [before formal]

(From left) Nomnom & Jude

(From left) Rae, Kwan & Bub

PPPS. The next time you see an ASTERISK beside the title of any entry I post, it means the entry will be a long read. So, asterisk = long read. Comprende?

& turned on the lights; 20:03